The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Sorry about my life...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
