Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
