so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
