My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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