i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
