You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize