Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
