i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
