i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
