pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
