My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
