fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
