There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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