hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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