I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
