Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Drake has all the answers
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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