either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
