All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
