Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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