you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
