my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
