Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
