I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
