Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
