I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
