The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
