I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
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Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
