i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.