the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
21 People That Are Skilled At Illegal Activities
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.