I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
