I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
