i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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