Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im holly from the hills drunk
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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