My girlfriend figured out who you are.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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