i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
