I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
