I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize