Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
