i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
