I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
