my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER