you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.