i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
