I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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