Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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