I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
