If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
