Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
