textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
