Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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