The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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