If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
