i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
