If that was your dad, he is hot
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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