I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
