If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am one with the molecules
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
