I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
