If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So much rum. So many feels.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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