As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
