Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
